I use they/them/their pronouns.
You probably have questions.
Let me give you a primer 💚
Non-binary is an umbrella term for gender identities that don't fit neatly into the categories of "man" or "woman." It's about existing outside the traditional gender binary.
The gender binary - that is, male and female - is increasingly seen as outdated and restrictive for no good reason. Non-binary people have been around for all of human history, but it's only fairly recently that we're starting to be formally defined in terms of sociological theory.
Being non-binary or otherwise genderqueer is more complicated than 'somewhere between male and female'. Gender is distinct from sex, and refers to a fairly nebulous psychological, cultural, and sociological identity.
In fact, to us, gender isn't a simple line between male and female. There are other axes to it, ones which don't have convenient names yet. Our gender identity shifts around in this multidimensional space, where gender is a strange, variable, often inscrutable haze. ✨
💡 Pro tip: For brevity, people like me often use the contraction 'enby' (singular) or 'enbies' (plural) to refer to ourselves - the spoken form of "NB", for "Non Binary".
First, a definition - cisgender, or cis, people have an assigned gender at birth matching their actual gender. It's the opposite of transgender.
For a very long time, I fully believed that I was cisgender. In my early thirties, a trans developer posted something on Twitter which made me stop and think.
When you feel a thing so regularly, you just assume that it's part of the normal human experience. Frequently having times you wish you could interact with the world being seen as feminine, envying people who get feminine presentation for free? Turns out those are things which cis people don't experience.
It was particularly confusing because - and this is why I never pursued it - it wasn't the case all the time. I've always felt 'somewhere in the middle' and pursued androgyny. While I had the occasional wish to present femme, I rarely (if ever) had the wish to present more masculine.
Self-discovery doesn't have an expiration date. Some people know from early childhood, others (like me) figure it out later in life. Both experiences are completely valid.
Transgender means your gender identity differs from what was assigned at birth. Since I was assigned male at birth but identify as non-binary, that makes me transgender.
I do consider myself transgender, but with awareness of privilege.
In the wider world, it depends who you ask. Some feel the label to be appropriate, some don't.
In terms of dictionary definitions, yes - the gender we were assigned at birth does not match our actual gender, and never has. There's a complication to it, which is that the construction of the word 'transgender' implies alternation from one binary to another, and so some people aren't comfortable with it.
There's also the factor with which I have trouble, which is that it feels like appropriating someone else's struggle. Non-binary people do experience dysphoria and have trouble passing, but it's different from someone who is binary transgender.
I think it's very likely that you're conflating sex and gender here. Sex is determined by your genes, and relates to the biological differentiation of your body. Gender is distinct, and refers to a fairly nebulous psychological, cultural, and sociological identity. 🧬
But sex isn't binary either! Most of us are aware of sexual differentiation resolving somewhere other than the extremes of 'male' and 'female', referred to as being intersex, and the perception we have is that it's rare.
Studies suggest that while sex differentiation exists on a single axis, it's actually quite common for a person to be somewhere between the extremes. Science is cool like that.
Many cultures throughout history and around the world have recognized more than two genders. Here are just a few examples:
The list goes on.
Even biology isn't as binary as we once thought - intersex conditions affect about 1 in 2000 births.
The singular "they" has been used in English for over 600 years.
Here are some examples you probably use without thinking:
"Someone left their umbrella here"
When you don't know who "someone" is.
"The doctor will see you now. They are running a bit late"
When referring to a doctor whose gender you don't know.
"My friend is coming over. They should be here soon"
When talking about a specific person who uses they/them pronouns.
The fact is that you use the singular they every day. You just don't think about it, and that's why it feels artificial. But it isn't.
Shakespeare used singular "they" in his plays.
Let me link a few resources - they might answer your question:
💌 If you can't find answers from this piece or any of the above, that's okay! Ask me. There are plenty of ways to get in touch with me on the main page. Expect a delay in my reply, it's nothing personal.
See that button at the bottom right? I'm working on an AI assistant to help answer your questions about gender identity, pronouns, creating inclusive spaces, and all that gender-adjacent junk. And there are even bigger plans in the works too...